If I’m being honest with myself, and now you, I have, over the years, developed an internal confliction with receiving good news. Now, I know 99% of the world would find that to be very unusual and odd and tell me that I need to go seek help immediately – trust me, if I wasn’t living it I totally would be that person waving a red SOS flag pointing in my direction; but when you’ve been on what is now my 14 year journey of living with a curable cancer and somehow have now found myself in the 4th recurrence of it, I’m sure that you would empathize and understand.
I would say that I used to welcome and take no second thought or had any hesitancy with receiving good news in all of its glory, fullness, and greatness – even after the initial cancer diagnosis in 2008 or even after the 1st and 2nd recurrences. It really wasn’t until the 3rd and now 4th one that I’ve found myself not fully embracing and taking complete joy in receiving good news of any kind, health or non-health related. Please don’t get me wrong or misunderstand, I want good news, I crave good news, and am VERY happy to receive good news; but now the thing that I have noticed about myself is that not long after receiving the good news, I catch and find myself wondering about what impending bad news may, or may not, follow. I of course know that that is no positive or healthy way to live; and I have gotten to the point now that when those thoughts come, I acknowledge them and try to dispel them as quickly as they pop up to concentrate on the present and the good that is happening in the moment. But still, the struggle is very real nowadays between when I receive and get good news of any kind and my mind immediately wanting to wander and wonder if there is some impending not so good news right around the corner.
I think it has moreso to do with my cancer history and its cycle of acting like a rollercoaster with no escape button or exit sign in site that has happened and brought this way of thinking to my life – and also in being a Christian and knowing that Jesus, in all of His infinite power, suffered while He was here on Earth – and if Jesus, who could heal and perform miracles and speak things into existence and cause situations to change for the better, suffered, me being a Christian and believing in Him does not make me immune to suffering. The Bible even tells us to expect it!
So while I am wading in this murky water of yet another recurrence of a curable disease, I am going to make this public declaration of being more intentional about fully celebrating all of the good news that I receive – health related and non-health related – because life really is too short to do anything else other than that and we only get one pass at life here on Earth. I feel like I’ve said and done this before in previous posts; but I promise I am really making an effort!
I could allow my present suffering to overshadow all of the great things and experiences that I’ve been able to have on this 14 year off-and-on-Facebook-complicated-relationship with cancer; but that would be too easy and do a disservice to all of the great experiences, opportunities, and things that have happened over these years in the midst of it all. And though sometimes they’re not the first memories to pop up when I think about how life has been between the initial diagnosis in 2008 and this newest recurrence here in April of 2022, there has been a lot of good news and great things that have happened that should be given its credit and due shine.